Author says people draw on reserves of resilience while grieving for loved ones
BY HEATHER WARLICK-MOORE
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Published: November 12, 2009
For former "The Biggest Loser: Second Chances” contestant Abby Rike, recovering from the loss of her family was a long, painful process. And she may never completely heal.
"The Biggest Loser" Season 8 contestants are, in dark blue from left, Amanda Arlauskas, Danny Cahill, Sean Algaier, Abigail Rike, Rudy Pauls, Tracey Yukich, Dina Mercado, Danny Wright; in light blue, Mozziz DeWalt, Rebecca Meyer, Allen Smith II, Alexandra White, Liz Young, Antoine Dove, Julio Gomez and Shay Sorrells. NBC PHOTO
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But humans are wired to deal with trauma and loss, said
George A. Bonanno, professor of psychology at
Columbia University Teacher’s College.
"It goes back to our ancestral past. It’s not really genetic, it’s really the way our minds are structured,” he said. In his book, "The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss,” Bonanno dissects the experience of traumatic loss and recovery from grief.
A major factor in the human ability to recover from such experiences, he said, is resilience. Most people are quite resilient, he said, though while grieving, that resilience may seem unfathomable.
"We have these intense emotional reactions that are very painful,” he said. "We don’t want them, we don’t want to have these emotions. When we experience them, they feel like they’re going to last forever, but they don’t. They do their job; that’s why we don’t experience them that often.”
Some people are more resilient than others, Bonanno said, but most people are more resilient than they may think. In fact, resilience is the norm, rather than the exception, he writes in the book.
Though most people are quite resilient, people with greater resilience demonstrate common personality traits. Especially resilient people adapt well to new situations, they use humor to cope, they’re able to maintian positive emotions and memories, they have support of others in their lives and there is even a genetic link to resilience.
Many people in grief fear that they’ll lose the memories of their lost loved ones. On the contrary, Bonanno said that once the grieving process subsides, most people are surprised at how much they remember and keep with them of their loved ones.
One of Bonanno’s favorite quotes is from
C.S. Lewis: "And the remarkable thing is that since I stopped bothering about it, she seems to meet me everywhere.” The quote is from "A Grief Observed,” in which the author wrote about grieving the death of his wife, Joy.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” Lewis wrote. "I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”
Bonanno suggests that one reason people like watching horror movies and tear-jerker movies is that since we don’t often experience actual horror, fear or overwhelming grief, watching it on the big screen is a way for us to "exercise” those emotions — practice of sorts.
Some people in mourning adopt unhealthy habits. Rike turned to food for comfort. Some people turn to alcohol, drugs or dangerous behavior. Bonanno calls these coping mechanisms "coping ugly.”
He said that "pragmatic coping” mechanisms such as withdrawing from friends and family, sleeping excessively or not enough, or other relatively harmless behavioral changes are generally OK during grieving periods. But dangerous habits such as drugs, alcohol and even excessive eating should be avoided, Bonanno said.
"Trust your instincts,” he said. "If there’s a way that a person feels that they want to cope or feels is good for them, sometimes, they’ll be told by others not to do such things or they may be self-conscious about it. But they should cope the way they’re most comfortable with it.”
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